The 2nd Annual
One Man Awards
Written
By:
J. Michael Neal
Another year,
another year. I have to say, this year was amazing. It more than
made up for the relatively uneventful 2002 calendar year. It was
packed with huge blockbusters, triumphant returns, much-anticipated
sequels, and more sleeper hits than you can shake a stick at. Lets
see how one man weighs in on the year that was 2003
Best Water -
Pirates of the Caribbean (Xbox, PC)
About the only
thing this game did right... but it did it really, really well.
Runner Up The Legend
of Zelda: The Wind Waker
Coolest Visual
Effect - Tron Glow Tron 2.0 (PC)
That special
Tron glow was the backbone of this game's "retro-cool" visuals,
and a pretty neat way to show off your PC hardware to friends.
Runner Up Real
time deforming sand Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball (Xbox)
Best Make-over - The
Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker (GC)
If you can play
this game for more then five minutes and still Monday morning
Miyamoto the decision to go cel-shaded, you have a heart of stone.
Runner Up Dark
Cloud 2 (PS2)
Worst Make-over -
Deus Ex: Invisible War (PC, Xbox)
One of the many
things that kept this game from being fully embraced by fans of the
original was the perplexing decision to "anime" the character
designs. Someone should have explain that whole "if it ain't broke"
thing to Warren Spector.
Runner Up Final
Fantasy XI (PC)
Technique That Should
Die a Horrible Death - Fixed Cameras
You all thought I
was going to say "cel-shading", weren't you? Maybe next year. Fixed
cameras, be they on pre-rendered backgrounds or fully polygonal
ones, should go far, far away and never return. They make for
horrible controls, horrible gameplay, fighting enemies you can't
see, and making jumps you can't judge. If a game can't be created
with an intuitive camera it shouldn't be created at all.
Runner Up Quake III
engine games
Technique That Should
Return from the Grave FMV
Surprised? You
shouldn't be. FMV is a joke in the industry now, but what's wrong
with it, huh? People laugh about sitting through FMV cut-scenes
instead of playing the game - they didn't seem to have the same
problem when Final Fantasy X or Xenosaga came out, did
they? People laugh at the low production values - how many games use
terrible in-game visuals to make terrible cut-scenes, no one seems
to swallow their tongue over that, am I right? Play a game like
LOTR: The Two Towers or Return of the King and you'll see
that, surprise-surprise, live action cut-scenes aren't the end of
the world. Ok, they are taken from Peter Jackson's epic to end all
epics, but the point remains the same - FMV is not poison, and if
done right, in the day and age of DVDs and cheap digital cameras, it
can be pretty damn effective. How many genres would benefit from
live-action cut-scenes?
Runner Up Spooling
Levels
Best Original Score
- Michael Giacchino (Call of Duty; PC)
Leaving behind his
signature Medal of Honor series for Activision's WWII, the John
Williams of gaming delivered yet another award worthy score. Let's
hope after his inevitable explosion into the "mainstream" he still
finds time to score "interactive entertainment" for all us poor
shlubs.
Runner Up Grabbed by
the Ghoulies (Xbox)
Best Licensed
Soundtrack - Grand Theft Auto Double Pack (Xbox, PS2)
Nothing can match
the combined brilliance of GTA3 and Vice City's
soundtracks.
Runner Up Amplitude
(PS2)
Best Audio Overall -
Medal of Honor Rising Sun (Xbox, PS2)
EA's Medal of
Honor series continues a fine tradition of unparalleled sound
design with Rising Sun. Boasting absolutely amazing 5.1 THX
certified sound and a dynamic orchestral score, Rising Sun's
audio clearly stands hand and shoulders above the competition this
year.
Runner Up War of the
Monsters (PS2)
Best Story - Star
Wars: Knights of the Old Republic (PC, Xbox)
You find me a game
with a better story and I'll hand you a mirror to show you a fool.
Runner Up Max
Payne 2: The Fall of Max Payne (PC, Xbox, PS2)
Best Controls - Prince
of Persia: The Sands of Time (Multi)
Possibly the most
effortless controls in the history of gaming.
Runner Up The
Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker (GC)
Game Best Suited
for a Film Adaptation Manhunt (PS2)
I could see the
film version in my head as I played this, I really could.
Runner Up The Getaway
(PS2)
Movie Best Suited for
a Game Adaptation - Kill Bill
I think this movie
was made to be turned into a game, but that could just be me.
Runner Up 2LDK
"When will this
gameplay end so I can see the next cut-scene?" Award - The Getaway
(PS2)
The story rocked.
It was like watching Snatch two-minutes at a time. Too bad in
between you had to drudge through some of the most painfully slow
and frustrating gameplay of the year. It would have probably done
better to skip the game rank and go straight to video.
Runner Up Indiana
Jones and the Emperors Tomb (Multi)
"When will this
cut-scene end so I can actually play the game?" Award - Xenosaga:
Episode I: Der Wille zur Macht (PS2)
Oh my God, can a
game get any more long-winded? This was a new low - remember people,
the thing that separates interactive entertainment from everything
else is the INTERACTIVE part. Moving some bow-legged broad from
point A to point B then watching a 2 hour cut-scene isn't a game,
it's a nightmare. If I wanted to see a hundred some hours of really
bad, really boring, really ugly movies I'd just watch Battlefield
Earth two dozen times.
Runner Up Dark
Cloud 2 (PS2)
Most Utterly
Nonsensical Commentary - Bobbito Garcia (NBA Street Vol. 2; Multi)
Hilarious,
annoying, and bewildering all at the same time.
Runner Up Steve
Carell (Outlaw Volleyball; Xbox)
Most Painfully
Cookie-Cutter Story - Rogue Ops (Multi)
No game managed to
marry as many clichιs this year as Rogue Ops. Bravo!
Runner Up Unreal
2 (PC)
Worst Game
Announcement - Fight Club (Multi)
I am Jack's total
loss of faith in humanity. Someone please stop this madness before
it's too late!
Runner Up
Reservoir Dogs (Multi)
"Most Japanese"
Game of the Year - Viewtiful Joe (GC)
It's like a koala
bear crapped a rainbow in my brain.
Runner Up Ape Escape 2
(PS2)
Most Juvenile -
Postal 2 (PC)
This game might
have been entertaining to the 4th grader in all of us if it were
even slightly fun to play.
Runner Up Outlaw
Volleyball (Xbox)
Nicest Gift Enemy
Territory, Activision
With a price of $0
and system requirements to match, Enemy Territory became a PC
game everyone could play and enjoy. Thank you Activision!
Runner Up Americas
Army 2.0, U.S. Armed Services
Best Sequel - Max
Payne 2: The Fall of Max Payne (PC, Xbox, PS2)
The epitome of what
a good sequel should be.
Runner Up Prince
of Persia: The Sands of Time (Multi)
Sequel We Could Have All
Lived Without - Tomb Raider: Angel of Darkness (PC, PS2)
Just let it die
already! And don't think Crystal Dynamics can pull this turd of a
franchise out the crapper either, less I force you to play Blood
Omen 2.
Runner Up Final
Fantasy X-2 (PS2)
Franchise of the
Future - Wakeboarding Unleashed (PS2, Xbox)
Right out of the
starting gate, Wakeboarding Unleashed had gameplay to rival
any "action sports" title before it, up to and including the Tony
Hawk series. It had superb level design, excellent controls,
awesome soundtrack, and original level objectives, everything the
THPS name USE to be known for, plus a co-operative career mode
to accompany its competitive multiplayer. It didn't have
Create-a-Player, Create-a-Level, a lot of boards, a lot of riders,
or any online play, however, and that hurt the game in the public
eye. If Shaba can correct these issues without loosing any of the
greatness of the first game, they will have a hit on their hands. I
called THPS minutes after playing the demo, and Im calling
this one now.
Runner Up Auto
Modellista (Xbox, PS2, GC)
Revival That Almost
Wasn't - Tron 2.0 (PC)
For a minute it
almost seemed like Monolith was going to miss the mark with this
one, but luckily they pulled through and delivered the game everyone
knew they could - beautiful, original, and fun as hell, Tron 2.0
does the pioneering blockbuster justice indeed.
Runner Up Prince
of Persia: The Sands of Time (Multi)
Revival That Almost
Was - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Multi)
Damn. This could
have really been something special. A good beat-em-up AND a trip
down memory lane? Too good to be true I guess. Oh well, I hear they
are working on a sequel. Better luck next time.
Runner Up
Castlevania: Lament of Innocence (PS2)
Best Minions -
Hunter: The Reckoning: Redeemer (Xbox)
Wave after wave of
undead hordes + infinite supply of ammo = time of your life!
Runner Up Grabbed
by the Ghoulies (Xbox)
Coolest Main
Character Viewtiful Joe (Viewtiful Joe; GC)
I smell a new
mascot character. Watch out Mario!
Runner Up Dragoon
and Orta (Panzer Dragoon Orta; Xbox)
Coolest Secondary
Character HK-47 (Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic; PC, Xbox)
Coolest secondary
character? Try one of the coolest characters ever, meatbag!
Runner Up Vinnie
Gognitti (Max Payne 2: The Fall of Max Payne; PC, Xbox, PS2)
Coolest
Villain/Boss Character Piggsy (Manhunt; PS2)
Easily the
scariest, most disturbing, and most memorably villain to come around
in a very, very long time.
Runner Up Darth Malak
(Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic; PC, Xbox)
Best Original
Character Designs Guilty Gear X2 (PS2)
A sexually
confused, yo-yo wielding nun and demonically possessed teenager are
two of the more normal characters in this game
Runner Up Grabbed by
the Ghoulies (Xbox)
Cutest Character
Links Grandma (The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker; GC)
Adorable, fragile,
little soup-making Granny everyone can love!
Runner Up Ninja
Imps (Grabbed by the Ghoulies; Xbox)
Hottest Female
Character Mona Sax (Max Payne 2: The Fall of Max Payne; PC, Xbox,
PS2)
The most fully
realized female game character since Cate Archer is amazing as the
lynchpin to this noir masterpiece.
Runner Up Vanessa
(P.N. 03; GC)
Worst Main
Character Drake (Drake; PC, Xbox)
You can practically
hear the marketing department come up with this one. Spare us.
Please.
Runner Up Tak (Tak
and the Power Juju; Multi)
Worst Secondary
Character Raiden (Metal Gear Solid 2: Substance; PC)
The whole Raiden
thing wasnt the end of the world, but really, I think wed all be
happy if he just went away and never returned. Ever.
Runner Up Sid the
Dummy (Buffy the Vampire: Chaos Bleeds; Multi)
Worst Villain/Boss
Character Osama Bin Laden (Fugitive Hunter: War on Terror; PS2)
There arent words
to describe just how embarrassing or lame this concept really was,
but whoever came up with it should be exiled to the same island the
game industry sent John Romero.
Runner Up None
even come close.
Posted:
4-15-04 |