Hearken to the
call of nature! Well, that too, unless you care to explain away
those obnoxious stains on your pants. But all you tired, worn out
city folk who just find yourselves a’wishin’ for a simpler life,
Harvest Moon: Back to Nature may be the answer to your virtual
dreams. Now, there h’aint no need to worry about all o’ that
hustlin’ an’ bustlin’ of city life; ‘cause y’all kin just set
yourselves back and enjoy the calm and fulfilling (if not
necessarily financially rewarding) lifestyle of the American
farmer. The option to play country music in the background is
completely optional, I totally understand your feelings
about it…
You play as a
young Hee Haw fan (just lovin’ them Hee Haw Honeys, yessir…that
Kathie Lee were a hot one, you betcha) that has just inherited
his grandfather’s farm (isn’t this the plot in all
the Harvest Moon games?). The farm has fallen on some hard
times, and will require a lot of work before it could return to
operational status. The townspeople have ever so generously given
you three years to restore the farm and bring it back to its former
prosperous state. At the end of the three years, the town will
decide if they want you to stay on (oh, thank you, o magnanimous
ones! Does this mean I get to attend the barn dance and go cow
tipping with you too?). During those three years you can make
friends with people in the village (or not, it’s
totally up to you) and should you be so inclined, take on a
wife. If you’re a real keener yuppie type, you can even go so far
as to have yourself a child, though I personally wouldn’t
recommend that course of action…
Just like with
a real farm, the Harvest Moon experience you were expecting
will require a bit of hard work to get to. First you have to get
things up to snuff, clearing weeds, rocks and fallen tree limbs or
stumps. Only then can you begin planting crops and raising
animals. Tending to the farm can be hard work. Of course, when you
get tired, you can soak in the local spring to replenish some energy
before putting your nose back to the grindstone. If you push
yourself too hard, you’ll end up passing out and wake up late next
morning, meaning somebody’s not getting a visit, some necessities
aren’t getting bought, some crops aren’t getting harvested, or some
animals aren’t getting fed. Shame on you!
Tending a farm
all by your lonesome can be a daunting task. This means you also
have to befriend the local “Harvest Spirits” (basically, a bunch of
lazy, greedy elves), who depending on how well and often you bribe
them, should be willing to help you with a few tasks around the
farm. And they must have a good union, because as lousy a job as
they do, and as much as they strike out (just wait till you catch
them sleeping on the job, budum), they’re the only game in town.
Unless you’d rather do it all yourself, mind you. Mmm-hmm.
I didn’t think so.
The animals in
Harvest Moon are also a real handful. Just like the real
thing, they can frustrate the hell out of you by refusing to move
out of your way, trapping you between them while they chew cud and
scarf down grass. They can also be pretty temperamental, just like
the elves or the girls in town. Do the wrong thing, and those
hearts drop abysmally low, or just never rise in the first place.
This is about the only thing keeping you from having fun by
taking an axe or hoe to their heads, just to hear them yell (really
gets the frustrations out, but you pay for it in hearts).
Think that’s
enough? We’re just getting started. Just like they do on a real
farm, you’ll have to rotate your crops based on each growing
season. What that means to all you city-bred types is that crops
like turnips and potatoes can only be grown in the spring, while
onions and tomatoes are in season during summer. And not every
season has a high earner, either, so you’d best stock up and work
hard when the money crops grow, or you’ll be starving yourself (and
your cattle) when you hit leaner times.
Then there’s
your social calendar (trust me, there just aren’t enough
hyper-accelerated hours in the Harvest Moon day to live your
virtual life to its fullest – but you’ll discover that soon
enough). Throughout the year, there will be several village
festivals and events you can take part in - at least three per
season. Some of these provide you with an opportunity to show off
your animals, like dog and horse races and contests over how healthy
your cow or sheep is. There’s even a festival to show off how tough
your chicken is (or to be more direct about it, what is colloquially
known as a cockfight). Show your ASPCA volunteer friends to the
door and throw down your bets…
Reaching the
end of the three years in Harvest Moon can be a daunting
task, and not only in the sense of all this requiring a lot of time
and effort on your part, either. As you begin to achieve your
goals (bigger house and barn, large, productive farm, marriage), the
events begin to repeat themselves, with little novelty and nothing
new to discover. Plain and simple, at this point (at whatever point
in the game’s timeline you happen to achieve it), the game begins to
feel repetitive and somewhat pointless, to say the least. Now, the
diehards among us who just have to play it through to the
end, can continue to play. Just don’t expect that baby to ever grow
up. And you can forget those hopeless dreams of that wife you
married ever lifting a finger to help out on the farm (so you’d best
pick some real eye candy, kid). And if that’s not a powerful
life lesson for these post-feminist times, nothing is…
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